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Falling in LOVE?

제목보고 오해할까봐 미리 못을 박자면, 여자친구가 생겼다던가 그런 이야기는 아니다.

사실, 얼마 전에 소개팅을 한 번 했다. 상대는 나보다 한참 어리고, 착하고, 외모도 예쁘장한 학생이었고, 그 후로도 몇 번을 더 만났다. 만남은.. 무난했다. 같이 식사하고, 웃고 떠들고.

근데, 아무 느낌이 없다. 나이가 들면서 사람이 둥글어진건지, 이제는 왠만큼 까칠한 사람이 아니면 무난히 응대할 수 있다. 적당히 상대의 관심사 끌어내고, 내 관심사 이야기해주고.. 처음 만나는 사람과도 무난히 부대낄 수 있을 정도의 요령은 갖춘 것 같다. 그래서 더욱... 아무 느낌이 없다. 아니, 솔직히 말하자면, 상대에겐 미안한 이야기지만, 지루하다.

까짓 소개팅, 심각하게 생각하진 않는다. 절박함이 있는 것도 아니고, 무엇보다 몇 번 되지 않는 연애경험이 그나마 내게 남겨준 교훈은 사랑을 위해 사랑하진 말자는거다. 낮선 이국 생활에서 외로워 서로에게 기댈 수도 있고, 그걸 사랑이라 믿으며 살아갈 수도 있을 것 같다. 아니, 서로에게 의지하다보면 그게 사랑이 될 수도 있다. 그걸 부정하진 않는다. 하지만, 적어도, 아직은, 난 사랑은 시작부터 특별하다고 믿는 로맨티스트다.

연애에 대한 내 감정은 양가적이다. 한편으로 나는 열정을 원한다. 나를 감탄시키고, 나를 매혹시키는 어떤 사람을 원한다. 다른 한 편, 나는 편안함을 원한다. 아무 말도 하지 않고 있어도 같이 있다는 것만으로 포근한 그 느낌. 하지만 경험상 후자의 경우는 시간이 보통 해결을 해주곤 했다. 서로의 모난 곳은 부비며 부대끼며 서로에게 맞추어가는게 연애라는 게임의 룰이고, 그 룰을 통과하다보면 어느새 둘은 정말 서로의 반쪽이 되곤 했으니까.

그래서, 사랑에 빠진다는건 과연 무엇일까라는 고민을 한다. 한가지 분명한건, 내게 사랑은 에로스와 불가분의 관계라는거다. 상대에게서 느끼는 관능과 흥분이 없다면 그건 연애라는 이름의 역할극에 불과해 보인다. 물론 그 관능이 비단 육체적인 의미를 뜻하지만은 않는다. 사실 나를 더욱 흥분시키는건 육체의 얽힘보다 정신의 얽힘, 상대와의 교감과 교류다. 영혼의 고양과 함께 넘쳐나는 감수성의 홍수. 아... 그리고 그 진득한 대화로 눈빛으로 얽히던 열정이여.

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